the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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