so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
now i know why i became what i already was.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
