when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
