My sheets look like a crime scene.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
