dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize