Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he fucked my hip out of place.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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