great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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