something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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