I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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