he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
