Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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