Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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