Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
