How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
