What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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