nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
