Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize