and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
