my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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