He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
