u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
