i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
