Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
