I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
