I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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