You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
