one two three fourrrrnication!
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
