I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
