Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
