yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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