i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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