I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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