you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
