Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
But theres a keg here and me gusta
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I want a musical about memes.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
