I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
