just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Holy sore nipples Batman
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
