Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
