he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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