We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
