Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize