you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
