You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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