I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
