just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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