The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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