I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
