How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
