I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
i now understand why vodka
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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