there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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