Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
