I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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