She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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