If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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