what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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