There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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