My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I supernannyed him into submission
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
